I still have an hundred million things i will leave unsaid

- i still have a million things i wanted to tell you, but i think i will leave most of them unsaid. they probably wouldnt lead me anywhere else than more questions and confusion and hurt. if i ever tell some of them, i want that to be for your own good and not for mine, because besides everything that's going on and blablabla i still care about you as a person, as a friend. ok so, i tried to record audio/video in the morning darkness, but i went out of space. I get too messed up talking as you already now, so im writing this. sorry i tend to write/spam/blabla a lot... I will write by topics.

- i think love is about wanting, not needing... it's not about who needs you the most. And as you told me once, you cant really fix people other than you. hopefully you already know this. so im just making sure you remember that.

- i really wish you to be happy together because love is that. it should make you happier. both of you.

- if there's something i've always wanted since i've met you is that i wish you to be happy. at least, as happier as you possibly can be. i dont know her but i also want her to be. so yeah hopefully you can get that together.

- cherish her the more you can. dont forget to cherish yourself as well.

- you should also be able to reach some happinness individually, it is important, not only and only together. that would turn out kinda sick. if the only way you have to reach happinness is JUST based on someone else, it turns out be merely dependance and need, not love. the same talk goes for self love, you cant depend on someone else to love you and use that to love yourself. because, like that, if the person is gone, you might be gone too...

- i dont want you to love me based on guilty/regret. i want you to love me because you simply love me and that makes you feel naturally good, not because you forced yourself to do so. im not saying that it was the reason you started loving her again, dont get me wrong. i know it's different. im just saying that if it ever happens towards me, i probably won't accept it. probably. at least in my sane rational mind i wouldnt accept it.

- again, i'm telling you this because i really believe you need to understand something: communication is the key. for everything. of course you cant make everyone happy, sometimes words will hurt, but i think i've always made it clear that i'd rather being hurt and knowing the truth than living in a world made of lies. and when we are in relationships, specially in long distance relationships, it really is important to talk. really. it's not like you can hug each other in silence after a dumb fight. is not like you can look at each other face and figure out what they are thinking on the moment, with their body language. you have to send a text, or an audio, try to do a call, whatever it is. yeah i guess im very easy to read, but not everyone is like that. you have to explain what you mean, and when you don't, it's really up to individuals interpertation and that can lead into very wrong ways. i was building castles on the clouds, but someone else could paint a very different scenery. my scenery wasnt good neither, because the clouds i was holding on to weren't real and im still falling from them. but it could always be worse, i guess. what i mean is, misunderstandings are not good at all. you seemed to be good with words, way more than me, but maybe you should work a bit on that part.

- i will send you what i wrote more or less in 1 month from now on. will you still be here...? im hoping that maybe by that time i wont feel "bad" to do it. is just how i feel/felt, im not sending it now because i dont want to throw my hurtbutt bullshit at you anymore. i dont intend to gain anything from showing you that anyways, so it doesnt have to be now. i finally understood the situation or at least i got it better than before, so, i dont think i have the right to complain about it anymore. just keep doing what you believe is right.

- i'm sorry if im being annoying with all of this, i'm also just expressing what i think it would be right to do in my point of view, from friend to friend.

- and by the way i don't have plans to leave you or anything, i mean, stop being friends with you. i said more than one time that i would always be here for you and i pretend to keep doing so. i'm just a bit not great for now, but i want to get better soon. on my own i will be fine. plus, as long as you are fine i will be fine too. and whenever you need i will be here. you know how to find me if you want.

- i guess i will say this one last time. I love you Simon. i really do, and i have been falling in love with you all over again every single day, i'm not even exagerating. but i understand everything now, don't worry about that. i know my place. do you remember when i left on the train for the last time? i really felt that these days skfdkfnjwodjf but im not the person in the train anymore... skdnskskjajaja woosh...

- thanks for everything and all the happy moments you proporcionated to me. i will treasure our memories forever. That's it. I don't know if you read this until the end but if you did, thanks for your attention too. I hope we can still smile a lot together like we always always did. At least i speak for myself, i've always had good times with you. I'd still say that you are one of my best friends. Farewell, sir.

- ...!!! OH AND ONE MORE THING I SWEAR IT WILL BE THE LAST ONE. I don't know if you already did it or not, however... I would like you to open my gift tomorrow. If you have looked at it before, i want you to do it again tomorrow. I honestlyyyy don't remember what's there detailed but there should be no problem, im absolutely 100000% sure that all what's there expressed is still truth. I think it will never change. Consider it a birthday gift from a very close and special friend, because it really was, except for the brithday part. (yoy won't get pregnananant with it, dont worry it is very safe!!! )