Maybe "the start" is the next goodbye...

Damn, i really wish our friendship could remain untouchable even if one day we were about to follow different paths and get very much separated or something  it is so special for me. But i guess some things arent possible; of course things would change somehow... It's a risk, i guess... It makes me sad thinking about it... sncndkd sad to the point i wanna cry. Shit, i really don't want to lose you... And no matter what you say right now, it still can happen in the future. Because in the past people have told me to don't worry, that no matter what, they would stay... They promised me they wouldn't decide to go away. That they weren't like the others that did the same before them. As if our friendship would last forever. And guess what? they didn't stay. None of them. Not because they couldn't, but because they didn't want anymore. Sure, they have good reasons to leave, Im not judging them for their choice. Maybe I have also done the same with someone else, because it was damaging me too much. "It would be better like that."
And i respect that choice... I understand it... Im just being dumb. Im just being unreasonable. Just being selfish.
But i look back and... It just hurts.
It hurts because i knew how it would end, and i tried to believe it wouldn't be like that. I truly believed it would be possible.
Now... now i don't really know. I will never be ready for this, but
Maybe "the start" is only the delaying of the next goodbye...
It hurts.
You're probably the friendship Im more afraid to lose this way... It is so special. I still see you as a very special friend (of course, now i also see you as way more than that. But besides it, you are still a special friend for me, just as you were before... Really fucking special. Fuck...). I want us to keep friends forever, really... We can be more than that, but i don't want less than that...