beautiful day, ugly me

 Yesterday I had a bad day. Or at least, an awful start to the day. I barely slept, and “woke up” at 6am, with my head feeling like it would explode, aware of all my blood vessels in the body, with my legs still sleeping, my body was crawling slowly. Like a zombie, it was difficult to get up. I was feeling the worst, like everything wasn’t worth it. Why would I even change clothes or leave my room? There was nothing positively calling for me. Still, I picked up the same clothes I’d been using for the last 3 days. Also, I dislike coffee but I did this sacrifice today. I needed to stay awake because I had an evaluation later in the morning. I took the train as fast as I could. I didn’t have time to get breakfast, so I packed up a sandwich before I went on my way out. The coffee was supposed to give me energy and wake me up but I feel like I felt even worse. I also didn’t have any food in my stomach so maybe that didn’t help. I was anxious and my hands were kind of shaking slightly. The sun left their house before me. I lost that competition to the sun. But I was surprised by how beautiful the sunrise was. It was an incredible view. I wanted to have a seat on the train, but I saw one empty seat. When I was entering, a lady passed in front of me running and took it. Right in front of my eyes. I was confused. I wanted to sit down and close my eyes. My body was going kinda crazy. Kinda funny. Kinda awful. The train got crowded quickly at the next station, and just like me, everyone else that entered had to stand on their feet. Luckily, the person sitting nearby to me left in the middle of the travel and I was finally able to sit… I was very lucky. I closed my eyes until my stop. When I left the train, I had to change for the metro like usual. Guess what, the metro was shut down because of their protests. I hope they can obtain what they want by doing those, although it’s a bit of a bummer to me. I went walking for 30 minutes with my knee hurting and my body in the previously mentioned state, because the buses were going insane with so many people and I didn’t have the patience to deal with all of that. While walking, I realized, everyone else was walking very slowly. I got confused because they looked like they were in a rush. I saw they were in a rush. Then I realized, they weren’t going slowly… It was me who was walking abnormally fast. That confused my brain because I felt like I was still getting up from bed. I guess somehow that was the coffee effect. Didn’t change how I felt for any better, but my mind and body were racing although they were still broken, and that kind of increased my anxious feeling.

When I arrived, the library was still closed. What do you mean, I thought they opened early? I checked my phone. Turns out it wasn’t 8am yet. I sat in a park nearby, waiting. The minutes were counting and going so slowly. Those 10 minutes felt like 10 years. I was oddly quiet. Watching the sky, while the sun was still rising. I was watching the trees, the lake, the birds. Watched some people passing by, running, dogs playing, and children laughing. It was a beautiful view. And I was ugly crying in the background, where no one saw me, sitting on a bench. And I realized, I was in fact crying. There was salty water falling from my tomato ugly face. When did it start? I tried to review all the steps I took that day to define where did it begin.

I couldn’t stop crying, staring at that utopic - but real -, scenario happening in front of me. It was such a beautiful day, and I was being so ugly. Turns out that I was being this ugly since before I woke up - if you consider that you can wake up from a sleep you didn’t have.

That gorgeous view made me realize that the day was, in fact, pretty. And I was, in fact, ugly, in that state. Life is more than that. Why can’t I just appreciate this beautiful day for one more single second? Why can’t I let that beautiful day beautify me, just a little?

And then, I remembered that it was an appropriate moment for me to eat my sandwich. I ate the sandwich; it was a good sandwich with cheese and ham.

Then, the library opened. Those 10 minutes, which felt like 10 years, ended. And I walked in. And followed my day, as if nothing ever happened, under that surprisingly beautiful sky – with the sun that left the house before me, and won, that day.