beautiful day, ugly me

 Yesterday I had a bad day. Or at least, an awful start to the day. I barely slept, and “woke up” at 6am, with my head feeling like it would explode, aware of all my blood vessels in the body, with my legs still sleeping, my body was crawling slowly. Like a zombie, it was difficult to get up. I was feeling the worst, like everything wasn’t worth it. Why would I even change clothes or leave my room? There was nothing positively calling for me. Still, I picked up the same clothes I’d been using for the last 3 days. Also, I dislike coffee but I did this sacrifice today. I needed to stay awake because I had an evaluation later in the morning. I took the train as fast as I could. I didn’t have time to get breakfast, so I packed up a sandwich before I went on my way out. The coffee was supposed to give me energy and wake me up but I feel like I felt even worse. I also didn’t have any food in my stomach so maybe that didn’t help. I was anxious and my hands were kind of shaking slightly. The sun left their house before me. I lost that competition to the sun. But I was surprised by how beautiful the sunrise was. It was an incredible view. I wanted to have a seat on the train, but I saw one empty seat. When I was entering, a lady passed in front of me running and took it. Right in front of my eyes. I was confused. I wanted to sit down and close my eyes. My body was going kinda crazy. Kinda funny. Kinda awful. The train got crowded quickly at the next station, and just like me, everyone else that entered had to stand on their feet. Luckily, the person sitting nearby to me left in the middle of the travel and I was finally able to sit… I was very lucky. I closed my eyes until my stop. When I left the train, I had to change for the metro like usual. Guess what, the metro was shut down because of their protests. I hope they can obtain what they want by doing those, although it’s a bit of a bummer to me. I went walking for 30 minutes with my knee hurting and my body in the previously mentioned state, because the buses were going insane with so many people and I didn’t have the patience to deal with all of that. While walking, I realized, everyone else was walking very slowly. I got confused because they looked like they were in a rush. I saw they were in a rush. Then I realized, they weren’t going slowly… It was me who was walking abnormally fast. That confused my brain because I felt like I was still getting up from bed. I guess somehow that was the coffee effect. Didn’t change how I felt for any better, but my mind and body were racing although they were still broken, and that kind of increased my anxious feeling.

When I arrived, the library was still closed. What do you mean, I thought they opened early? I checked my phone. Turns out it wasn’t 8am yet. I sat in a park nearby, waiting. The minutes were counting and going so slowly. Those 10 minutes felt like 10 years. I was oddly quiet. Watching the sky, while the sun was still rising. I was watching the trees, the lake, the birds. Watched some people passing by, running, dogs playing, and children laughing. It was a beautiful view. And I was ugly crying in the background, where no one saw me, sitting on a bench. And I realized, I was in fact crying. There was salty water falling from my tomato ugly face. When did it start? I tried to review all the steps I took that day to define where did it begin.

I couldn’t stop crying, staring at that utopic - but real -, scenario happening in front of me. It was such a beautiful day, and I was being so ugly. Turns out that I was being this ugly since before I woke up - if you consider that you can wake up from a sleep you didn’t have.

That gorgeous view made me realize that the day was, in fact, pretty. And I was, in fact, ugly, in that state. Life is more than that. Why can’t I just appreciate this beautiful day for one more single second? Why can’t I let that beautiful day beautify me, just a little?

And then, I remembered that it was an appropriate moment for me to eat my sandwich. I ate the sandwich; it was a good sandwich with cheese and ham.

Then, the library opened. Those 10 minutes, which felt like 10 years, ended. And I walked in. And followed my day, as if nothing ever happened, under that surprisingly beautiful sky – with the sun that left the house before me, and won, that day.

looking at people

Looking at random people. Fascinates me. I love how most people have their unique style and way of expressing themselves by how they look and how there's so many different fashion ages mixing together in the present. Children, adults, elders. Even birds, dogs, cats, other animals. Plants, trees, flowers. Butterflies. Sun, clouds, rain, rainbows, stars. I love how people seem happy and are simply living their lives unaware that i am seeing them. I'm watching a movie in real life. I'm just observant. I'm not part of it. Probably never will. Our destinies will never meet. No matter how cool i think you are, i will never have the chance to tell you. Maybe the chances are for us to create, maybe i let millions of chances (that i could take) disappear every single second. I might even never see you again. That was it. You're gone now. I'm alone, like i always was and never stopped being. I'm standing there, sit down. You keep walking. Everyone passes by but no one seems to stay. In truth, no one seems to notice me. I'm just a stranger. I'm basically invisible, out of place, out of space and time. Like i don't even exist. My existance is not relevant. Which makes me depressed. I enjoy seeing people happy and confident, proud of themselves, hanging and talking with their friends. But then i look deep down to myself and remember i will never be like that. Which makes me sad, honestly. Maybe i am a little jealous, because I secretly wish i could be a part of it too.

What are we made of

Everything is just a matter of time.
Meanwhile, both my hopes and fears colide.
And explode.
Vanishing into ashes.
Like everything in this world.
Like us.

Why are we here

Why are we being sent to this world,
What's the purpose of being alive?
We born
Grow up
Some reproduce
and then
we all die miserably.

i am so proud of you

"I'm fine" - you say

You put on a pretty smile,
But through your eyes
i notice the struggles
you're trying to hide

When times are hard
And it's late at night
Alone, on your own,
you lay on bed and cry

Step by step
You keep on trying
You sleep while waiting
A better day to start

Even if you never tell me
That you are down
Deep inside
I know

I know you're
Always Fighting

and i am so
Proud of you

My biggest wish
Is that all your
dreams come true...

wondering how much time to move on

Why do i still...
Think about you
Miss you
Want you
To be with me;
Do i still
Love you;
Why does it still
Hurt
so much;
Why havent i
moved on
Yet;
but Im better,
arent i;
good or bad
I cant tell
Oh...
I wish
i could tell.

True title: just laying down in silence holding tears while wondering how much time is needed to fully move on and i stop this nonsense.

Learn to let go

When we love someone we also have to understand when it's time to let them go. It will be for the best. The best for us. For you and me... Am i right? Or should i stand and fight?

Sometimes, that isn't the best way... 

Just let it go. Let the air come in, let the air come out.

Keep breathing.

Keep walking. 

Let it go, let it grow, let it live peacefully.

I'm trying... Learning to let go. 

Because I love you and that seems to be the best for us.

:L

I always want to talk with you so badly... :L

All the Doors are open

I love you. I desire you. I can't have you.

That's okay. I accepted it. I don't really control my feelings... I will have to deal with it myself. Somehow... I will stop blaming myself. I may be the dumbest people in the world right now, however, all the doors will remain open until these feelings decide to go away on their own. As long as the doors are open, everyone have the freedom to leave - but also have enough freedom to come in and stay. Be my guest, Love. I love you. And just because you don't love me back, I don't have to hate myself for that. I don't have to force myself to anything. You make me happy. So what? Let me be.

Even if everything here is just a silly dream and i'm sleeping on reality.

21/05

Hey you remember when i got kinda " paralized " and trembling because i was too nervous and not knowing how to behave and not controlling myself anymore... I guess i am like that right now

The story of the pink flower

(...)
The man on the muddy cell realized the cell wasn't closed. And he left. Leaving the pink flower alone. Flowers can't walk, so she stayed there. And she waited. And waited. She tried her best to stay perfect all the time, hoping for the man to come back. Sometimes it seemed like he was looking at her, and her hopes always would bring her up again and again. Although she could stay rised up because of that, she was surely getting weaker... After all, he didn't come back to her.

Or maybe he couldn't see her anymore. Or maybe he simply decided that he didn't want to see nor be seen. Maybe he was still there on that muddy cell, maybe he left to another cell, maybe he left to a better place instead of staying in that perturbing cell. Maybe he found out another pretty flower and got fascinated by it more than by our pink flower. Maybe he got tired of the pink flower. Maybe he found another human to be with. Maybe he always had someone else. Maybe he is with that person at moment. Or maybe he is still there, invisible to the flower's eyes, but she can't see him because he probably doesn't want to be seen.
Maybe... maybe there are infinite options. We actually don't know what happened to him. That's not the point. We really don't know about him.

All we know in this story is about the pink flower.

She was left all alone, nearby the muddy cell. There wasn't more flowers around, all the others died quick. There was no one else there. In the end, who was trapped all this time?
However, she still had hopes. She still had love. She never hated the man and she wanted to be there if for some unfortunate reason he had to come back and need her help. She would be there for him no matter what. Very pink and shining as before.

However, reality is very different. As much as she wanted to remain alive and as a source of joy, without water, she was left there to die, like all the other weird flowers that tried to grow up in that muddy cell without success. As much as she tried to keep shining on her own, everything that surrounded her turned into darkness.
She couldn't keep shining alone, and she also couldn't keep shining for that sad man on the cell. She couldn't see his real beautiful eyes and angelical smile, his fluffy hair, his tone skin that didn't need sunscream... She couldn't feel his warmth anymore... She couldn't hold his hands nor fall asleep on his shoulder too... she couldn't feel his hugs, his kiss, his touch, his love... She couldn't feel whatever that he would make her feel because there was simply no one there. There was only a both vague and vivid memory of his presence, muitas saudades, and sadness over irrealistic hopes. She could only hold her memories close to her and hope that they wouldn't vanish. She could only dream every single day about the times when they could be put together again, the same way they were before.

Correction: if possible, she wouldn't want it to be exactly the same way. if they could restore that muddy cell together, and turn it into a better place where they both could call it similar to a sweet-comfy-happy home, instead of a very disturbing place... That would be more than perfect to her.
Despite of this, as long as he was with her she wouldn't mind such details as being in an awful dirty cell. With him around, everything seemed more beautiful and it really fascinated her. Everything would turn out fine. She wouldn't mind keep living in a muddy cell, because with him there, it wasn't just a muddy cell at her eyes. It was nice to be there with him. They made it nice somehow.

She would smile and cry at the same time while thinking about the memories that made her life so pretty, about the wishes and fantasies she had. Maybe that was all this: her own fantasies. Maybe it wasn't truth. Maybe it was just her imagination. At a certain point, she couldn't tell anymore. The more she cried, the less water she had to sustain herself.

She gave her very best, more than her best, more than she could ever do. She was even willing to try going more far than that. And it still wasn't enough. What they lived together for so little time in human's perspective really felt like thousands of years to her. She never felt so alive in her short life. He completely turned her life upside down. It seems that for him it wasn't that much. She knew that when compared to him and other humans, what she went thru was probably nothing. She knew, but she still believed she was more special than that to him. She believed it was possible for them to be by each other sides. She was truly happy while thinking about it. But, maybe flowers and humans were never meant to be together. It seems that what they felt was very different and had very different impacts on their lives. She couldn't fulfill him, even tho he did more than she could ever imagine.
Although she was sad, she never ever blamed the man for what he did. As long as he was happy doing whatever he was doing, she at least could try to believe that he was in a better place than a small muddy cell, somewhere on this big world where other people like him live. More than her own happinness, she wanted him to be happy no matter what. That included the kind of happinness where she was no part of it, as much as she wanted to be.

She had to accept everything. She was running out of options. There was nothing else she could do. Or there was? She never knew until her last breath.

The pretty pink flower lost her colour.
She died, leaving her seeds on the ground.

Maybe one day there could be rain inside that place, and more pink flowers would born there. Maybe someone comes back and waterize them. Maybe by the wind's strenght the seeds would spread around the world. Maybe one day the pink flower would be able to meet the man again, and resume their story. Maybe they could restart all over again, trying to fix their mistakes.
Or maybe not. Maybe the seeds will remain there forever, without the chance to grow up. We don't know.

For now, all that was left there was a dirty muddy cell...
Without any living specie around.

I want to dig an hole and hide myself there forever and cry.

You know those moments when deep inside you knew it was already over but you keep believing that maybe it isn't... And keep walking based on that...

And you thought it wouldn't hurt as much as it does and when you're faced with reality it's completely different and it hurts as hell... And i just want to dig an hole and be there forever... And cry...
I can't stop the salty water. Where the fuck is this sea coming from. How have i kept a sea inside me all this time. And yet i cried so much every single week. Is this never ending.
Why...
I really would like to disappear. I'm so damn stupid... WTF ahah.... I guess wasn't ready for this afterall. I never am.
Im so stupid
Im so stupid
Im so ..  stupid..
Lame
Lame stupid dumb
I hate myself sometimes

I already knew didn't i???
THAN WHY AM I IN THIS STATE
LOL
LOOOOL
FUCK
Fuck...

Rainy day

Today all I see is grey
my house, my room,
the clouds, the sun,
myself.

Today is a rainy day
I'm glad I have my red umbrella
The only not-grey thing I'm seeing
It protects me, so I'm counting on it

That's when an old lady crosses the street
Everyone could notice she was tired
Yet, she smiles at me
"Good morning" - she gladly says.

That sweet old lady kept on her way
And I can tell she wasn't grey.
She was vivid, full of stories to tell
Her kindness made my umbrella weird

It was raining,
And I had my red umbrella
But it couldn't stop the rain
From falling all over my face.

I'm hugging my pillow tight

I've been missing you here
Alone in the night
I lay down in my bed
Something feels off in my chest
So Im hugging my pillow tight
Dreaming with the infinite
I look at the dark sky
Some stars are shining bright
I close my eyes and breath
I wish you to be back
Hoping that you will be alright.

I have no courage to send this now

(05/05)

You know... I always miss you... There's not a single day i don't think about you. Ok Im trying to keep my life normal and do my stuff, remain good on my own, focus on my own goals... I'm trying even if I'm not being very successful... Still, there's not one day when i wouldnt like to be with you.

It's hard i guess. I know timings are not good, it's like they never are anyways... i understand things are difficult. Im concerned about you and I really wish i could help somehow... Maybe I don't have that power in my hands tho.

i think this whole situation is not doing much good for me too...
Imma be straight, I still love you. I've been holding these words. I've been holding myself. I've been trying to let go. I tried to move on, i tried to get distant, i tried to see you as every other normal friend. I've been trying too many things. I've been thinking so many things.

However... All this time has passed and I still love you.

I probably can't keep like this forever tho. I don't think this is good for me. But what can I do... If you know, please tell me. I'm so unsure about everything, except my feelings. How i truly enjoy talking to you... and how happy i get. on the other side, Im aware about how this hurts me as well.

Thinking about it, isn't it a bit sad how flowers are stick to the ground, without being able to move? People admire them, get fascinated by its colour and morphology, say that they are beautiful and so on... but then they just walk somewhere else... while the flower simply stays there.
Thankfully or sadly, I'm not a flower. I'm an human, I have my flaws as everyone. I can walk towards you, or I can walk away.

I dont want to make things bad, im just saying... Well, sorry.

today bad(s).versus.good(s)

I'm not feeling so great today, so, for each thing that made me feel bad, I will write down at least another good one, to neutralize (and maybe get special bonus!).

Bad things:

1× i had an headache during all the day
2× i felt down and out of place
3× i was insecure and feeling weird
4× i felt left behind and unmotivated
5× i lost the train that would take me back home
6× i couldnt focus on study even if i tried
7× i have so much things to do i cant even decide which ones i should do first
8× im sad that i cant organize myself and when i pick one activity i cant give my best to finish it because im very worried with everything

Good things:

1× i woke up in time
2× i went to all today's classes
3× i went to the gym
4× i ate proper meals
5× i ate one apple
6× i had one watermelon bubblegum
7× the sun was shining bright
8× i have in mind that i have to start studying and stopped delaying it to the next day, and the next one, and the next, ... It was hard, i havent done much, but at least I started it somehow.

(Special good awesome bonus!!)

9× i talked with my grandmas and they was fine
10× i talked with old online friends that i havent talked with in a while
11× i talked with irl friends by facebook
12× i called my mom, dad and brother
13× doggo is goodo at home
14× i was in the right time for dinner and my granny didnt have to wait for me for too long
15× i will try to have a good time before bed-time and sleep properly tonight
16× i reached 1st place on Duolingo gold rank with my japanese lessons (for today only? Or will i be able to keep it during the week?)

In conclusion:

The day wasn't 100% good and I felt down many times, maybe not everything went as i planned/wished. I realized that if i think and pay attention, i can see that the day also had its own positive moments. Not everything was bad. In fact, i was able to name 2 good things for each 1 bad, that's already very much goodness!

However, I still have my headache. I still am unmotivated and tired. This fact makes me think that not all the sentences i picked up portrait the same weigth when it comes to how they made me feel along the day. They dont have equal manifestations, they could have been classified with different points - sometimes, one good thing is not enough to neutralize one bad, and two (or even more) goods are not enough to deal with one bad. The same applies to when one or more bad moments can't defeat one good. This is not a matter of a simple 1 to 1 numbers, this is way more complex than that. Some of them have stronger effects in us than others.

In spite of me still not being feeling great, right now I can't deny that a big number of good stuff happened today, even if my darkest sides want me to believe that i'm hopeless and nothing goes well in my life. Doing this exercize, i could see clearly that i'm just lying to myself when my insides say that everything is bad. Like this, i can fight it back, and get better. :)

I want to change

I want to be good with myself. I want to change. I don't want to keep feeling hopeless. I want to be happier, confident, determinated, independant, ... I want to be proud of myself. I want to be strong. I want to be able to resist my darkest side, and fight back...

• What am I willing to do?
• How will I do it?
• From where should I start?

I've tried this so many times. I always end up going back to the starting place, step 0, or even worse...

• What do I have to do to stop this cicle and actually progress?

(26/04/2019)

What can I do when I can't stop loving yoy

Am I dumb for loving you?
Is it wrong to keep these feelings?
What can I do when I can't stop loving yoy?
Should I wait...? Should I let go...?
Which one is more painful?
Which one is the best way?
In the end, will it be worth it?
Is it love? Is it something else?
Am I being too much delusional?
Am I a fool for wanting to believe you?
Do you want to be specially with me?
Or you just "don't mind" it...?
I know about myself (do i?),
But what about you?
I want you to want me...
I want you to look up for me...
If I was gone, would you notice it?
Would you try to go after me...?

¿Do you...
...Love me?

Sleepy

I'm so sleepy right now >.<

I found a lost wallet

Letting some tears out on the train ... Oh wow that's new. Suddenly everything came to me at the same time. And kabaaaamm.
I guess I could say my week was good. Despite of that, I'm so afraid of tomorrow... Silly uh. This fear of failing after working so hard... This feeling of never being enough. This weird sensation that it was all just a waste of time...

Enquanto isso encontrei uma carteira no chão da estação de comboios e entreguei aos responsáveis na bilheteira. Só por isso ter acontecido, já nem tudo parece tão mau. :)